Good Evening Spookie Cookie and The Funky Bunch.
Tonight is Halloween, some of you are getting your halloweeners tickled by some tricker treaters out in NASA Valley (hooray space) but I am stuck here in my apartment looking at my roommates weird ass Buddha poster that lures over our dinner table. I just ate some Hibachi and it tasted pretty good. The place is called Red Ginger which doesn’t really make sense, but neither does dressing up in costumes one night a year and getting free candy from strangers.
I was commissioned by Commissioner Butler II to write this blog about the ever important match-ups of week 9. I am honored with the challenge and couldn’t think of a better night to write about that AND a few other things which gather my gooch.
1. Candy Corn is awful. Nothing tastes good about it. It looks like a traffic cone, and it’s New Mexico’s favorite candy which automatically means its weird as shit. Real Corn Beats Candy Corn 10 times out of 10.
2. Big fan of Frenchies being put in costumes. Bryant please dress Monkey up one night a week and post pictures.
3. I will add more stuff to the end of this blog but I need to get on with matchups.
1. Hunting for Another Win vs. Little Kittles Skittle Brittle
ESPN Projects : Hunting (118.7) to Kittles (135)
Big Cookie has a solid team now due to the resurgence of Marlon Wayans Return of The Mack and Amari Coopers trade freeing up more targets for Cooper and Cook on the Raiders. It will be interesting to see how these new adjustments affect each player this week, I am confident in Gook’s future, but not his pasture. As Mother Theresa once said “If you can’t win first, eat a little bit more.” Duncan takes the cake on this matchup in terms of weddings but Mitch takes the pie in this battle between sweet-tooth-craving-food sluts. Every player he’s starting is playing against a bad defense.
Mitch Projects: Mitch 176- Duncan 140
2. Bless Em vs. Mixon Mixoff
ESPN Projects: Bless Em (122) to Booz (113)
I can appreciate a good comment from a friend every now and then. Never thought I’d get to the point where I’d appreciate a text back but Boozer has a way without words. Though our bearded friend has just recently started participating in the league forum, he has done a good job managing an injury-laden squad to turn some trades into some pretty nice acquisitions. I like Boozer’s squad. Especially if Fitz Magic keeps splooging on opposing D’s.
On the other side, Bless Em has possibly the best player in fantasy history and always uses his commy russian analyst skills to a tee when choosing the right pieces in his teams puzzle. You’d expect that from someone trained by Putin and I have still yet to find a weak spot in Bless Em’s squad. Zach takes the W and murders 4 people in the same night without getting caught. God Bless EM! (They don’t call him Hrovie the Roavie for nothin!)
Mitch Projects: Zach (138) to Booz (123)
3. 808’s and Play Fakes vs. Rudolphs Johnson
ESPN Projects: 116.5 (Will) to 114.4 (Bryant)
At the beginning of the year Will’s team definitely looked nice, then after 2 weeks sucked. But when you have Kermit the Frog at your starting QBband you trade for the best WR in the league, you can’t be that bad anymore. Will loves his team like Kanye Loves Kanye and its starting to make sense why.
Bryant has arguably the best receiving corps in the league but his running backs are about as irrelevant as a social studies degree. He also has OBJ on bye week and Larry Fitzgerald on bye week.
Mitch Projects: Will (151) to Bryant(107).
4. McCafrican Americans vs. Tier 1 Backups
ESPN Projects: Simms (112) to Ian (126.6)
You know fantasy is going to be rough when you start someone at TE who’s about to get medicare and you look like/are the same size as your best player. Unfortunately for Simms, he also plays a guy this week who’s big dick energy had him score 196 points last week and doesn’t appear to becoming flacid again.
Ian is Irish and Japanese which means he’s basically a beer chuggin ninja and that scares the shit out of me. His team is like Bitcoin and could fall at any second based on its volatile nature but for this week he still looks like he could pop a molly without sweating and pop another baby out.
Mitch Projects: Ian (165) to Simms (119)
5. Brown Chubb vs. Burton For A Squirtin
ESPN Projects: Josh (132.9) vs. Kincaid (128.5)
Josh is definitely a playoff team and the recent trade of Demaryius Thomas has Courtland Sutton looking like a snack of a WR2 in an offense that still has a shitty QB. But Targets are still Targets and you can also buy a lot of stuff there (Just ask all the wives: Natalie, Emily, Kelly, Cam, Rachel, Ashley And Chip.) Kenyan Drake is not the best he’s ever had (shoutout Drake), but he does have a solid matchup against a Jet’s D that couldn’t spell the world “tackle” even after an executive order from Trump.
Long John Linky Dink squirted a bit harder once Golden Tate was taken off Stafford’s plate. Stafford’s going to be looking at Marvin “Gaye” Jones with Lets Get it On eyes and I see a big week of double points for Stinky Pinky Kinc. This is my matchup of the week due to the playoff and seeding implications.
Mitch Projects: Josh (148) vs. Kincaid (152)
6. Matthews Munchers vs. Settles of Saquon
ESPN Projects: Sam (125.9) vs. Tyler (122.2)
Sam Bear Man Bear Pro has a solid lineup this week due to the trade of Thomas from the Broncos to the Flexans AND Deshaun Watson’s coming to. He is still waiting for Keenan Allen to show WR1 potential and that could happen this week against a banged up Seahawks secondary. Added bonus for our grill mastering furry friend that Adrian Peterson plays the worst defense in NFL history other than the Mexican boarder patrol when Obama was president. Also, I finally admit, if I was to build a defensive wall, the Jaguars would definitely not be hired to do it.. SHIT!
Tyler just finished launching his Amazon store which is a great week of life and sex for him hopefully. But unfortunately Saquon is on a bye this week and so Tyler’s team sucks. When you start Doug Martin and Matt Brita Filter as your starting running backs, you know you’re about to get bent over a barrel and shown the 50 states.
Mitch Projects: Sam (132) to Tyler (118)
Thats it for this weeks matchups. Hopefully you guys have read to this point and if you did, text me individually and the first one to do so I will buy Jeni’s Ice Cream.